White House Releases Transcript of Trump and Comey Dinner Meeting

The White House has announced that the audio recording of the dinner meeting that occurred between President Donald J. Trump and then FBI Director James Comey was accidentally deleted by Eric Trump when he inadvertently recorded an episode of “Stormfront News” over the meeting audio. However, the White House is now pleased to make available a 100% accurate, verbatim transcript of that meeting that had already been prepared. In this transcript, The President of the United States Donald J. Trump is shown by P:, and James Comey is shown by C:.

P: Jim, come right in over here next to me! C’mon, closer. Give me a big hug! So glad you could make it!

C: Thank you Mr. President. It’s a tremendous honor to be here. You know how much I’ve admired you for so many years. I was beginning to become concerned when you didn’t return any of my many calls asking to keep my job as FBI Director. I feared that you didn’t want to talk to me any more and that my position was in jeopardy.

P: Nonsense Jim. You know how I feel about you. I’ve just been extremely busy. Running this great country leaves me no time for any recreation, any fun — it’s the toughest job in the world and it’s all work. Let’s sit down over here at this small, intimate table and get started with dinner. Would you prefer the Filet-O-Fish or the McNuggets?

C: The fish would be just fine, Mr. President.

P: Here you go, Jim. Take two ketchup packets. I can manage with only one.

C: Thank you, Mr. President. The stories I’ve heard about your generosity are obviously true.

P: Sorry there are no fries. I think Sean stole them from the bag.

C: No problem, sir.

P: Now Jim, I know you’re desperate to keep your job as FBI Director, and I want to be clear that I don’t expect anything from you in return for staying in that position.

C: That makes me feel much better, sir.

P: In particular, all those faxes you sent me offering your personal loyalty were totally unnecessary. All I expect from you is loyalty to the United States of America. I don’t matter at all. It’s this wonderful, diverse country and its wonderful, multicultural citizens that we care about. The vast cornucopia of diversity that makes the United States of America like the proverbial shining city on the hill.

C: You have such a wonderful way with words, Mr. President. You certainly have the best words.

P: Thanks Jim. And I want you to take all of your investigations wherever they need to go. If they lead to Vladimir, or Eric, or Ivanka, or Jared, or Flynn — I don’t want you to back off by one tiny iota. If they’re guilty, they’re guilty, and should be treated like every other simple, ordinary person just like me. I expect you to aspire to my ethical standards, and apply those lofty heights to your daily work at the FBI, just as I’ve applied them every day in my own businesses.

C: That’s a very tall order Mr. President. I’m not sure that I’m enough of a man to meet your standards.

P: I have faith in you, Jim. Now get back to your office and make me proud.

C: I’ll do my best, sir. And thank you, sir. You’re a great human being.

— End of Recording —

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–Lauren–