A Modest Proposal: Identifying Europeans on the Internet for Their Protection

With European politicians and regulators continuing to churn out proposed regulations to protect their citizens from the evils of the Internet, via “The Right To Be Forgotten” — and the currently under consideration Article 11 “link tax” and Article 13 content filtering censorship proposals — it is becoming more important than ever that Internet sites around the world be able to identify European users so that they may be afforded “appropriate” treatment at those sites, including blocking from all services as necessary.

Already, some Europeans are suggesting that they will attempt to evade the restrictions that have been implemented or proposed by their beneficent and magnificent leaders. The world must band together to prevent Europeans users from pursuing such a tragic course of actions.

Obviously, all VPN usage by Europeans that attempt to obscure the European geographic locations of their source IP addresses must be banned. In fact, it would be even safer for Europeans if all usage of VPNs by Europeans were prohibited by their governments, except under extraordinary circumstances requiring government licenses and monitoring for inappropriate usage.

All web browsers used by Europeans should be required to send a special “protected European resident” flag to server sites, so that those sites may determine the appropriate blocking or other disposition of those browser requests. Use of unapproved browsers or tampering with browsers to remove this protection flag would of course be a criminal act.

We must also solve the problem of Europeans traveling outside of Europe, where they might be tempted to use public Internet access systems that do not meet the high standards of protection required by European regulations.

One possible solution to this dilemma would be to require the permanent implantation of RFID identification capsules in all Europeans who travel beyond the protected confines of Europe. Don’t worry — these need not individually identify any given person, they need only identify them as European. Scanning equipment at public computers around the planet could detect these implants and automatically apply appropriate European protection rules. Europeans would be free to travel the world with no fears of accidentally using systems that did not apply their government’s protective regulations!

This modest proposal of course only scratches the surface of the sorts of solutions that will be needed to help assure that EU citizens fully and completely abide by their governments’ benevolent actions and requirements.

But the EU and its residents can feel confident that the rest of the world’s Internet will do its part to help keep Europeans safe, secure, and law-abiding at all times!