Greetings. The usually somewhat esoteric subject of search engine results rankings has been all over the news lately, and with it the often shady world of SEO - Search Engine Optimization.

It's easy to criticize sites that employ all manner of illicit means to try attain top Google results. But don't the owners of those sites deserve at least a tiny bit of sympathy?

No. They don't deserve any sympathy at all! But we can still consider the mournful melancholy of the "black hat" SEO user. And certainly there's no better way to do this than with our old friends Gilbert and Sullivan!

Indeed, it's been quite a while since my last foray into the melodic land of G&S, and I've never had a suitable opportunity to mangle The Mikado up to now. So without further ado, I'm pleased to present:

MP3 Audio Performance (~2 minutes, ~1.5 MB)

YouTube Performance (Audio Only)
[Also playable in embedded window under lyrics below]

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"The SEO Lament"

To the tune of "Titwillow" from The Mikado
With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan

Lyrics Copyright © 2011 Lauren Weinstein. All rights reserved.

Now I know that my products all really do suck.
SEO, SEO, SEO.
But to score real high Google ranks takes more than luck.
Like SEO, SEO, SEO.
So I paid a guy bundles,
To boost me up high.
He said it's a sure thing,
Please send cash and you'll fly!
But I'm still buried deep,
And I just don't know why ...
SEO, SEO, SEO.

There's hidden text stuffing my site oh so full.
For SEO, SEO, SEO.
It is cloaked cleverly and trust me that's no bull!
SEO, SEO, SEO.
I've got duplicate pages.
I'm buying paid links.
I've done everything right.
But my ranking still stinks.
It all seems so unfair.
Man, I need some stiff drinks.
SEO, SEO, SEO.

The Google Search Quality team wrecked my plan.
My SEO, SEO, SEO.
Amit Singhal and Matt Cutts lost me as a fan.
SEO, SEO, SEO.
But I'll keep trying tricks.
Maybe one will break through!
Otherwise I'd need quality content,
That's true.
Though I'd rather just keep paying for,
You-know-who ...
SEO, SEO, SEO.

-- fini --

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Note to Gilbert and Sullivan Purists: Yes, I do know that officially, "Titwillow" should be hyphenated between the first and second syllables. But given the state of Internet purity filters these days, I'd prefer to avoid triggering aggressive blocking by technologies that don't know the difference between a bird and a slang term for part of the anatomy. What a world ...

--Lauren--